September has been a month of ups and down in the diet department. As you may remember, I was trying to get back on track after a very difficult month in August, in which I had gained weight. And I was succeeding. Slowly but steady I was getting control of my addiction again and my weight dropped. Well, maybe not so slowly, since I’ve gone from 105,7 kg (233 lbs) back to 104,5 kg (229,9 lbs) in two weeks. My hopes had returned.
But then my cat died. My faithful, furry friend who had been in my life for 17 years. The world was swept away underneath my feet and I fell into a deep, dark hole. I didn’t care about diets anymore, I just wanted anything that could give me the least bit of comfort. And well, food has always been a weird form of comfort for me. So I ate. And ate. And ate some more. Sweets, chocolates, cookies, I didn’t care. I just wanted the food to numb my pain.
I consciously let myself. I was aware this could not go on forever. But I figured that if I wanted to learn how to cope with pain without food, I should begin with something easier than the death of a friend.
I knew however, that there should be a turning point somewhere. A day where I would accept the remaining pain and lock my addiction back into its cage. That was not an easy thing to do. It’s rewarding to be able to numb your pain, even if it’s only for a tiny bit and a very short while. But I had to think about my health again.
So a few days ago I stopped eating. Well, not altogether of course, I just left out the bad things. I noticed my weight had peeked to 106,2 kg (234,1 lbs) after a few days of binging. Understandable, but not healthy at all. And to be honest, it wasn’t very motivating either.
But I managed. I ate the occasional piece of candy, but most of the time I behaved. And this morning, my weight had dropped to 104,2 kg (229,7 lbs). Not only did I manage to be less heavy than a month ago, but also less heavy than two weeks ago. Even though a few days back, I was neither!
In my body I still feel the struggle, but in my mind I know that I can be proud of myself. Last month I had lost all faith, and now, even though I had a very rough month, my weight has dropped 1,5 kg (3,3 lbs). Guess I am stronger than I thought.
Wouldn’t it be nice to be able to weigh less than 100 kg (220,5 lbs) at the end of this year? A two-digit number, how awesome would that be? I’d like to make that my goal! It won’t be easy, with all the December food waiting around the corner, but seeing my weight now, it should be doable. Let’s call it an old year’s resolution. Something to end this year and start the next with a success. Something to make myself even prouder.