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Losing Weight ~ Mission Impossible

December 7, 2015
Mission Impossible

Hello all, I am Tanya and I am addicted to food. I tell myself I need it all, while the only thing I need is a healthy body. I tell myself a bar of chocolate will create instant happiness, while all it does is make me unhappy at the end of the day. I am addicted to food and I don’t know how to stop it. Food is everywhere around me and I need it to stay alive. I cannot ban food out of my life. I cannot stay away from supermarkets. And right now I have the feeling that I cannot fight this battle at all. I can only hope one year from now I will look back on this post and smile. That I’ll smile because I actually found a way to conquer my addiction. That I can actually tell you guys how to overcome this and live a healthy life.

The past month I failed gloriously. I gained almost 3 kg, which is a shocking 6 pounds. I went from 103,8 kg (228,8 lbs) to 106,5 kg (234,7 lbs). At one point I wondered if anyone would notice if I’d just skip the weight loss update this one time. But then I decided I didn’t want to cheat. I took on this challenge a year ago, knowing it would be tough and convinced that there would be setbacks. I promised myself back then that I would use my updates to minimize these setbacks and to find back the courage once I’d slip. So instead of burying my head in the sand, I will suck up my shame and talk about it.

So what happened? Sure, there were birthdays, left-over cake from these birthdays, Sinterklaas (a typical Dutch holiday involving loads of candy), Christmas Markets and I went out for dinner a few times. But can I really use those things as excuses? There will always be birthdays, holidays and dinner parties. It’s December now, how will I ever survive Christmas if I can’t even lose weight in a random other month?

Okay, to be honest, had I written this post at the end of November, I would have written about a weight gain of 1 kg instead of 3. Sinterklaas did do me a lot of damage. But still. If I blame it on holidays, restaurants and birthdays now, what will prevent me on doing the same any other month?

No, the only one to blame for this weight gain is me. Not circumstances, ME. I choose to bake fondant cakes for the birthdays, I choose to eat all the left-overs the day after, I choose to eat food at five different stalls at the Christmas market and I choose to stuff myself on Sinterklaas. I may have told myself all this food would make those days so much more enjoyable. But did they really? Would I not have enjoyed my movie marathon without a huge bowl of ‘pepernoten’ and marzipan? Would the Christmas markets have been less fun without Reibekuchen AND hot chocolate milk AND Krakauer sausage AND fried mushrooms AND chocolate covered fruit? Would I not have survived those birthdays without a second piece of cake?

Of course not. It’s all in my head. I feel like I NEED this food, because otherwise I won’t have had the complete experience, or the event will not be as much fun, or or or. So many reasons and all of them are bullshit. And in the meantime there’s an untouched bowl of perfectly good fruit going to waste, vitamins waiting to turn into mould. Vitamins I actually need.

Mission Impossible 2Twinkly Tanya | Losing Weight ~ Mission Impossible | A personal story about food addiction

Hello all, I am Tanya and I am addicted to food. I tell myself I need it all, while the only thing I need is a healthy body. I tell myself a bar of chocolate will create instant happiness, while all it does is make me unhappy at the end of the day. I am addicted to food and I don’t know how to stop it. Food is everywhere around me and I need it to stay alive. I cannot ban food out of my life. I cannot stay away from supermarkets. And right now I have the feeling that I cannot fight this battle at all. I can only hope one year from now I will look back on this post and smile. That I’ll smile because I actually found a way to conquer my addiction. That I can actually tell you guys how to overcome this and live a healthy life.

In previous weight loss posts where it all didn’t go exactly as planned, I came up with a plan. I would think of a set of steps I would complete in order to get back on track again. But maybe a plan isn’t the answer. Not right now. Maybe writing this and sharing this weakness of mine with the world is all I need right now. So I won’t hide behind a bag of chips this time, but face my problem instead. So I’ll make my weakness a strength by talking about it.

Writing this actually made me cry. And I think that’s good. Because it shows me the realization of what I am doing to myself finally hits me. Every time I see a higher number on the scale than the day before, I feel completely numb. No anger, no sadness, just numbness. And feeling numb has never led to any change ever. Feeling sad has. So I hope my sadness right now will strengthen me. I hope this realization sticks with me this time.

I won’t have any illusions about this month. It’s December, the hardest month of the year. Food is all around us and it’s all fat and we are expected to eat it. I don’t think a miracle will happen this month and I will suddenly drop a few pounds. But let’s just hope I will at least not gain any either.

I’m sorry today I am not as positive and uplifting as I normally try to be. Sometimes life just isn’t like that. Let’s just hope I’ve hit rock bottom now and everything will get better from now on. Including the rest of December.

xx
Tanya de Kruijff on sabyoutubeTanya de Kruijff on sabtwitterTanya de Kruijff on sabpinterestTanya de Kruijff on sabinstagram
Tanya de Kruijff
Hello there! I’m Tanya, writer, translator and blogger. I am doing 101 goals in 1001 days, because I want to turn my dreams into reality. I hope my goals will inspire you to live your life to the fullest as well!

Besides this blog I also write short stories, columns, plays, video scripts, subtitles and so much more. If you’d be interested in hiring me to write for you, please check out Typisch Tanya. If you’d like to read my stories, you can visit me on Tanya’s tales.

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8 Comments on "Losing Weight ~ Mission Impossible"

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meganh295
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1 year 6 months ago

Hi lovely!
Please don’t be so hard on yourself. I know this might sound crazy, but you can be free from the shame, guilt and craziness you feel around food.
The answer is to stop Dieting.
I’d love it if you would humour me and take a look at this post by my friend Sarah
http://practiseglow.com/2015/11/why-diets-dont-work/
Love Megan

plaguedparents
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plaguedparents
1 year 6 months ago

As trite as it sounds, take it one day at a time and give yourself some grace. xo

Jess2569
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Jess2569
1 year 6 months ago

I love food too and eat a LOT! I have lots of low fat recipes on my blog, hopefully you will find something you like! Jess – http://www.feedyourprettysoul.com

Christa
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1 year 6 months ago

I know how you feel I have the same problem, good for you, one day at a time is good advice

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