This is it. The article I was so scared I’d have to write someday. I gained weight. My addiction has won the battle in August. Just when I thought I had regained my strength, it attacked me in a way I couldn’t resist. Welcome to the world of an eating disorder. Welcome to the world of an addiction.
As you may remember, the past few months were quite a struggle already. I gained weight in the beginning of each month, but somehow I managed to turn the tide during the month every time and I ended up losing weight after all. I didn’t want to struggle so much anymore, so a month ago I came up with a plan to lose weight without gaining it first. It seemed like a perfect plan, but unfortunately, it didn’t work.
I didn’t eat low-carb meals a lot, because my kitchen was a mess most of the time. And to able to cook properly, at least you’ll need some clear space on the counter top and the stove. I didn’t have that and I didn’t have the energy to create it either. So bread it was. Or rice crackers. Or wheat crackers. Carbs, carbs, carbs.
It also didn’t help that I hosted a barbecue. Because obviously, I had bought way to much stuff. Not only for the barbecue, but also for the lunch we had planned for all the helpers in our garden. There was so much stuff left! And I may be trying to lose weight, but I will not throw away perfectly good food because of that. So I ate it instead. We’re talking about bread spreads here containing fats and sugars and probably artificial additives as well. And more barbecue dinners with the left-overs. Yummie, but wrong.
But the biggest problem still was having snacks in our home. Last month I wrote about the Dutch sweets and cookies I had bought to send to my foreign parcel pals and pen pals. But I couldn’t resist them myself as well. It seemed like I was getting back on track for a moment, at the end of July. But the past few weeks I haven’t been able to resist them one bit. I started binge eating again like crazy. I felt my body craving for these bad foods, even at moments I couldn’t even be hungry, because I had just eaten. I didn’t know how to fight back anymore. My addiction took over, it was too strong.
So what damage did I do to my body? Sigh… Well, the damage was 3,6 kg. That’s 7,9 lbs! I now weight the same as I did at the end of January. 105,7 Kg (233 lbs). BAM. I threw myself back seven months! I feel terrible do I that to my body. I feel like a failure. And on top of that, I feel like a whale. And ironically enough, this only helps feeding my addiction, and therefore me. I mean, how can I ever get back seven months of progress without spending another seven months? I might as well keep stuffing myself then, what’s the difference anyway? It’s a stupid downwards spiral. And I know these thoughts only drag me further down, but I haven’t been able to find my reset button lately.
But when I started this project and with that this weight loss challenge, I decided to be a warrior now. And this warrior has not fallen yet. I may be wounded, but wounds can be mended and then I can fight again. I hope. But I need a new plan. Last month’s plan apparently is too advanced for now. So here’s what I’m going to do:
- From now on I’ll blog about my weight loss progress twice a month: once at the end of the month (or the beginning of the next month) like I always did and once halfway through the month.
- I’ll build up a work-out schedule and gradually work my way up to training half an hour each day for five days per week. I will at least incorporate the following elements: Lindy hop, walking, playing Dance Dance Revolution on the Playstation or Let’s Dance on the Wii and do some muscle training with my fitness gear.
- Keep a food diary.
- Get that jug of water back on the table! Drink at least one jug each day.
- Eat at least one low-carb dinner each week.
- Eat at least one salad each week for lunch and one salad for dinner.
- Create a binder with low-carb meals to choose from.
- Eat low-carb breakfast and lunch at least three times per week.
- Don’t snack more than once a week.
It may seem like a lot, but the biggest changes are increasing my blog articles about this subject, keeping a food diary and building up a work-out schedule. The other stuff is just making my food intake more concrete.
I sincerely hope it will work and I will be able to erase the damage I have done to my body. I am longing so desperately for a healthy version of me. Last month I thought it would be the greatest birthday gift if I’d be under 100 kg on my birthday (which is October 8th). This seems really impossible now. But I hope I will be able to give myself at least the gift of perseverance and strength. I hope to be able to lose weight again instead of gaining. I don’t want to feel like a failure. And I also don’t want to feel like a whale. I want to feel healthy, pretty and happy. If I can manage to get back on that track, I think I will be giving myself the greatest gift I can.