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Losing Weight ~ Losing the War

September 1, 2015

This is it. The article I was so scared I’d have to write someday. I gained weight. My addiction has won the battle in August. Just when I thought I had regained my strength, it attacked me in a way I couldn’t resist. Welcome to the world of an eating disorder. Welcome to the world of an addiction.

Losing Weight ~ Losing the War | How I gained weight instead of losing | How I am trying to get myself back on track

As you may remember, the past few months were quite a struggle already. I gained weight in the beginning of each month, but somehow I managed to turn the tide during the month every time and I ended up losing weight after all. I didn’t want to struggle so much anymore, so a month ago I came up with a plan to lose weight without gaining it first. It seemed like a perfect plan, but unfortunately, it didn’t work.

I didn’t eat low-carb meals a lot, because my kitchen was a mess most of the time. And to able to cook properly, at least you’ll need some clear space on the counter top and the stove. I didn’t have that and I didn’t have the energy to create it either. So bread it was. Or rice crackers. Or wheat crackers. Carbs, carbs, carbs.

It also didn’t help that I hosted a barbecue. Because obviously, I had bought way to much stuff. Not only for the barbecue, but also for the lunch we had planned for all the helpers in our garden. There was so much stuff left! And I may be trying to lose weight, but I will not throw away perfectly good food because of that. So I ate it instead. We’re talking about bread spreads here containing fats and sugars and probably artificial additives as well. And more barbecue dinners with the left-overs. Yummie, but wrong.

But the biggest problem still was having snacks in our home. Last month I wrote about the Dutch sweets and cookies I had bought to send to my foreign parcel pals and pen pals. But I couldn’t resist them myself as well. It seemed like I was getting back on track for a moment, at the end of July. But the past few weeks I haven’t been able to resist them one bit. I started binge eating again like crazy. I felt my body craving for these bad foods, even at moments I couldn’t even be hungry, because I had just eaten. I didn’t know how to fight back anymore. My addiction took over, it was too strong.

Losing Weight ~ Losing the War | How I gained weight instead of losing | How I am trying to get myself back on track

So what damage did I do to my body? Sigh… Well, the damage was 3,6 kg. That’s 7,9 lbs! I now weight the same as I did at the end of January. 105,7 Kg (233 lbs). BAM. I threw myself back seven months! I feel terrible do I that to my body. I feel like a failure. And on top of that, I feel like a whale. And ironically enough, this only helps feeding my addiction, and therefore me. I mean, how can I ever get back seven months of progress without spending another seven months? I might as well keep stuffing myself then, what’s the difference anyway? It’s a stupid downwards spiral. And I know these thoughts only drag me further down, but I haven’t been able to find my reset button lately.

But when I started this project and with that this weight loss challenge, I decided to be a warrior now. And this warrior has not fallen yet. I may be wounded, but wounds can be mended and then I can fight again. I hope. But I need a new plan. Last month’s plan apparently is too advanced for now. So here’s what I’m going to do:

  1. From now on I’ll blog about my weight loss progress twice a month: once at the end of the month (or the beginning of the next month) like I always did and once halfway through the month.
  2. I’ll build up a work-out schedule and gradually work my way up to training half an hour each day for five days per week. I will at least incorporate the following elements: Lindy hop, walking, playing Dance Dance Revolution on the Playstation or Let’s Dance on the Wii and do some muscle training with my fitness gear.
  3. Keep a food diary.
  4. Get that jug of water back on the table! Drink at least one jug each day.
  5. Eat at least one low-carb dinner each week.
  6. Eat at least one salad each week for lunch and one salad for dinner.
  7. Create a binder with low-carb meals to choose from.
  8. Eat low-carb breakfast and lunch at least three times per week.
  9. Don’t snack more than once a week.

It may seem like a lot, but the biggest changes are increasing my blog articles about this subject, keeping a food diary and building up a work-out schedule. The other stuff is just making my food intake more concrete.

Dutch Sweets (10b)

I sincerely hope it will work and I will be able to erase the damage I have done to my body. I am longing so desperately for a healthy version of me. Last month I thought it would be the greatest birthday gift if I’d be under 100 kg on my birthday (which is October 8th). This seems really impossible now. But I hope I will be able to give myself at least the gift of perseverance and strength. I hope to be able to lose weight again instead of gaining. I don’t want to feel like a failure. And I also don’t want to feel like a whale. I want to feel healthy, pretty and happy. If I can manage to get back on that track, I think I will be giving myself the greatest gift I can.

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  • Reply Constructing Carrie September 1, 2015 at 6:36 pm

    I know you’ll do great, because you seem to really want it! My biggest pitfall (and savior) is usually things in packages. My brain thinks a package- no matter the size- is a single serving. So I do so much better if everything is already partitioned into a single serving, or access to more is in some way restricted (ie: getting a few oreos out of the pantry instead of sitting down with the package). It’s something small, but I’ve found it makes a huge difference with me! We’re on this journey with you, cheering you on! ๐Ÿ™‚

    • Tanya de Kruijff
      Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 1, 2015 at 7:44 pm

      Thank you. ๐Ÿ™‚ When I’m in a phase where I can regulate my addiction, packages (or portions I make for myself out of a bigger package) also work for me. But when the addiction is on the winning hand, packages don’t seem to matter unfortunately. It’s a strange phenomenon, because on the one hand I really do want to leave all the food in the pantry and on the other hand my body is getting up and getting the food. I hope regular blogging will work better for me. And writing it down in my food diary. Thank you for cheering ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply Shann Eva September 1, 2015 at 7:27 pm

    Sounds like you’ve got a great plan in place .I’m confident you can do it .Writing it on the blog will really help keep you accountable .I know I’ll be checking back in on you.

    • Tanya de Kruijff
      Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 1, 2015 at 7:47 pm

      Thank you so much. The writing also gives me a bit more confident. The plan is there, now I just hope I can put it into action. I hope next time I can give you positive news. ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Tanya de Kruijff
    Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 1, 2015 at 8:51 pm

    Dank je. Het was moeilijk om hier open en eerlijk in te zijn, maar voor mijn gevoel was het de enige manier om terug op het goede pad te raken. Bedankt voor je tip! Ik heb wel eens zo’n recept voorbij zien komen, maar heb het nog nooit geprobeerd. Heb jij misschien een lekker recept? ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply Astrid September 1, 2015 at 10:49 pm

    I’m sorry you gained weight. I totally understand what it’s like dealing with an eating disorder/food addiction. Don’t give up though! These new resolutions are fab. Also, can I recommend the book “Journaling in eating disorder recovery” by Laurie Glass? It has a Christian emphasis, so if you’re not religious not everything will be useful, but some will be no matter your beliefs. I found your blog on the blog love project on FB and will be following you in my feed reader.

    • Tanya de Kruijff
      Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 2, 2015 at 8:18 am

      Thank you, Astrid for this encouragement! I will look into that book, thanks for the tip!

  • Reply MarriedAndNaked (@MarriedAndNaked) September 2, 2015 at 1:20 am

    Congrats on your courage to put your self and your journey out there to inspire others. You are not a failure! Not by any stretch. You have not given up. For that reason, your story is one of success. Everyone has setbacks. Just get back on track. You can do it!!!!

    • Tanya de Kruijff
      Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 2, 2015 at 8:44 am

      In the past this would definitely have been the point where I’d given up. It’s partly thanks to this blog that I have found the strength to keep going. And your support really helps get even more motivation back! Thank you ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Reply myreachforperfection September 7, 2015 at 3:39 pm

    What a great post for me to find! I’m in the same place and it’s hard. I have noticed binge weight tends to go away quicker if you deal with it quickly. I gained back 6 pounds two weeks ago and 4 are already gone. Trust me, you can do this! If you want a blogging weight-loss buddy, let me know!

    • Tanya de Kruijff
      Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 7, 2015 at 3:49 pm

      Well, that’s a hopeful reply! I am also losing weight again. I’m not yet where I was before, but at least I see my weight drop again. Do you also have a blog? You mentioned one, but I don’t see a link underneath your name. If you also blog about your weight loss, I’d love to read it!

      • Reply myreachforperfection September 7, 2015 at 4:42 pm

        I do! It’s I wrote a similar post this week because I needed to restart myself. Bad habits start up way too fast when our routines change. It’s nice to read someone else going through the struggle. Thank you for sharing!

        • Tanya de Kruijff
          Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 7, 2015 at 9:43 pm

          Oh, I will visit your blog too then! Yes, it’s nice to know you’re not alone. ๐Ÿ™‚

        • Tanya de Kruijff
          Reply Tanya de Kruijff September 7, 2015 at 9:57 pm

          Hmm.. I just tried to comment on your post ‘5 ways to restart you diet’, but after submitting it I cannot find it. Is it just awaiting moderation or did something go wrong?

          • myreachforperfection September 7, 2015 at 10:16 pm

            Moderation lol. I will check it when I go downstairs.

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