Losing Weight ~ Losing Hope

I am dreading my weight loss updates more each month. Mostly because the ‘loss’ part is quite inaccurate lately. I either gain weight, or celebrate the fact that my weight at least stays the same. Losing weight seems like some myth of the past.

This month is not any different, unfortunately. And if me just writing about it is such a dreadful task, can you imagine how it is to actually try losing the weight? I feel like I’m hitting a wall every day. I don’t know how to climb it or break it down. I try to do it brick by brick, but the wall doesn’t seem to get any lower. Instead, it just gets higher and more impossible to overcome.

I can remember my article of last October, where I had gotten back on track after a difficult period. I was so proud of that, and I made it my goal to be under 100 kg on New Year’s Eve. I had to lose roughly 4 kg in three months in order to reach that target. It seemed totally doable. Yet, here I am, in the new year, five months later, weighing almost exactly the same as I did before I started this challenge.

Yes, that’s right. I almost gained everything back. Do you remember when I started trying to lose weight 16 months ago? I was 111,5 kg back then. At one point I had lost as much as 9 kg and was about to go through life with a two-digit number on my scale. But slowly I gained it all back and in January my weight was as high as 110,3 kg. Only 1,2 kg away from my old weight this whole journey started with.

I really wondered how to fight back this time. If it even would matter. What’s the point in trying again and again every month, when the only result is disappointment every time? What’s the point of losing 9 kg, when I’ll all eat it back on afterwards? It’s all so demotivating. I really feel like I have hit rock bottom right now.

But two things happened that gave me a teeny tiny spark of hope. For starters, I read this quote somewhere:

Somehow that really got to me. It’s true. Things might not have gone my way lately, but if I start again today, and resist temptations now, I will be definitely seeing results three months from now and be happy that I did! And to be honest, looking forward three months from now was way more inspiring than trying to see the end goal that seems so impossible to reach right now.

I tried repeating this quote in my head as a little mantra, and to be honest, it worked! It kept me from opening the pantry that day when I felt a sweet craving, and it kept me from buying the candy the put near the register at the supermarket. Small victories, but victories nonetheless. I have decided to write down this quote in pretty lettering and hang in on my pantry door. Hopefully that little reminder will help me make the right choices from now on!

The second thing that gave me back a bit of hope was something a friend of mine said yesterday. She told me it was really visible that I had lost weight. I looked at her all confused and told her I had gained almost everything back and that she must have made a mistake. She told me the weight gain did not show. My face was still thinner than when she first met me (about one and a half years ago).

She said in her country, they have a name for this particular sort of weight gain: punishment fat. It’s the kind of fat that slaps you in the face immediately when you succumbed to a binge moment. But it’s also the kind of fat that doesn’t stay for too long if you just listen to the message it tries to convey. If you’ll stay away from the bad foods, it will just as easily disappear again. The fact that my added fat hadn’t settled on my cheekbones yet, told her this was the kind of fat I could lose easily. If I’d just set my mind to it again.

I hope she is right. But whether I’ll lose it easily or not, I am glad to hear the damage is not yet too visible. It gives me hope that somehow my body hasn’t stored all this fat in the wrong places yet. Maybe there’s stills time to tell my body that it should get rid of the fat altogether. That I just made a mistake and I’d like to rectify it. Wouldn’t that be great?

I’m not kidding myself, I still feel gloomy and demotivated. But these little sparks of hope are the straws I need to keep standing now and to not give up altogether. Since I’ve read that quote a few days ago, my weight dropped from 10,3 kg to 9,4 kg today. It’s still way of track, and way to close to the weight I started with, but it’s something. At least it’s going in the right direction now. I really should try to keep looking at this progress now, instead of all the damage I did the last few months. It’s the only way to prevent myself from throwing in the towel.